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and im gonna throw up can this day get any fucking worse

yeah im not dealing with this one of my friends is being transphobic the other is sending me rose toys the other is about to stop being friends with me and this is after i walked for 3 hours non stop im NOT doing any oif this im just gonna close discord and go cut myself while watching 2 broke girls

its only 2 more years how bad can it be

i think i just need to get to 18 and get a hunting license so i can get a gun and shoot myself

this is why i shouldnt talk to anyone and i should stop being friends with people

im so bad ive hurt so many people like this FUCK

i should kill myself

fuck im such a bad friend im actually so bad i should kill myself i keep forgetting to reply i should just fucking die i shouldnt be talking to people ever

im also confused on what i could have done as like a 4 year old to piss my mom off that much that she would yell at me and lock me in the basement for hours

im confused like why did i just remember all this randomly its strange how the brain works

but all that aside i dont hate my mom i still lvoe her

i still remember my mom beating me when i was 9 to 13 i remember this one day really vividly i was on the floor and she was kicking me in the face and then the next day we had like a school party and she told me to tell everyone i got allergies because my face was all fucked up

i think 9 was the only year when i started going out and playing with other kids it was fun but then covid started when i was like 10-11 and i spent all that time home

like 4-5 was just my mom yelling and locking me in there 6-8 was basically just me being stuck in a hospital for lung inflammation i remember looking out of the window and i was literally just not allowed to go outside for more than 20 minutes

i dont know why i just randomly remembered this but thinking about my childhood really sucked

i also remember i found a little paint brush there and i tried painting with water but it didnt work

and i also remembered how my mom used to joke about this? is this like not fucked or am i overreacting

and there was like a little walkway on the side of our house where my neighbors usually warked and there was a little window there i VIVIDLY remember my little hands around the bars and one neighbor was walking down and saw me and asked if she locked me there again and i was just crying and then she walked away

like my mom used to lock me in the basement when i was like 4-5? i dont remember exactly how old i was but i know i was little i literally remember my mom yelling at me and throwing me down there

i was just on a walk and i randomly remembered huge chunks of my childhood